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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.