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Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.