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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.