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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors