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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..