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Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.