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I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.