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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.