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Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they`re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
Line forms here for spankings
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.