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What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what Iām doing.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.