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When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.