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When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.