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I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.