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I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
So much to do and so few alibis.
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)