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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Match dot com, but for socks.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.