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Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don`t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!