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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?