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Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
If I was antisocial I wouldn`t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop