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When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
It`s my birthday. Iām not just a year older, Iām also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. Iām starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"