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When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
AWESOME!