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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.