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They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”