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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
Every woman needs a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to hold her bra strap on!!!
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
For Christmas I just want summer...
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.