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How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
is frickin awesome! Nough Said.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.