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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.