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If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?