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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
I tried my best to see things from your point a view, but your point of view is stupid.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.