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Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
why me is me ?
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.