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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR