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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...