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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!