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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity