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I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.