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"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.