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You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.