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If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
"May the 4th" be with you!
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`