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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.