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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.