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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what Iām supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway