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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.