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More food should come with prizes inside it.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!