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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
Adding lyrics when you don`t know the words or making words up when you don`t speak the language. ;)
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......