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Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.