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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.