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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Sö î hèãrd ÿôu lìkê gùÿš with ácçeñts?
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.