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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
So long pants! See you Monday!
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.