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Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.