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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
Anything is legal when there`s no police around
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.