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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Just for kicks I posted "I won the LOTTERY" on Facebook. One girl liked it, then replied to the inbox message I sent her in 2010. *Blocked*
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..