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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Velcro is a ripoff
The problem with diets is pizza.
Don’t jump to confusions.
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.