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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.