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I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.