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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.