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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.