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Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
it`s a fact that flies on screens are not afraid of cursors
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.