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I just called. To say. I texted you.
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.