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Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in