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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.