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Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......