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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
Your personality needs alcohol.
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.