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Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
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