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I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...