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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
In space they just call it "Jam"
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"