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Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.