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The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.