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Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.