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I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.