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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.