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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
I dare you to spit on this status.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.