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"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.