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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.