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One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
I forgot to post this earlier
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species