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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
wants to rock and roll all night
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.