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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.