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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
The most common crossfit injury is a black eye from talking about it too much.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.