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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
Hold boobs not grudges.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.