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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?