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Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.