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Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.